Monsters.
There are scary monsters, silly monsters, classic monsters,
imaginary monsters. I'm going to write about the monster that stalks
me daily. Let's see if you can guess who it is.
My
monster has the power to alter what I see in the mirror. I get a
skewed picture.
My
monster makes me think about it every waking second of every day. I
cannot escape. Ordinary tasks, ordinary events of the day take on
epic proportion as I battle it. It's the center of my universe, and
likes it there.
If I
try to hide, it finds me.
It
finds me in jeans that are a bit tight.
It
finds me questioning every bite of food I put in my mouth.
It
whispers in my ear that I can finally have back what I haven't had in
so long.
Control.
It
sings a siren song of solution to all my troubles.
If
only I were thinner, then...
I
might not have high blood pressure
I
might not have asthma
He
might pay more attention to me
I'd
be able to get more done
I
wouldn't be depressed
I
wouldn't be in pain
I'd...
It's
all there, all for the taking, if I just take back the control. It's
really about control, and not so much about food.
Have
you guessed?
Anorexia.
I was
never a cook. I mean, when all you eat in a month is maybe one piece
of plastic wrapped American cheese from your roommate's shelf in the
fridge, why bother learning sauteing or double boilers or how to
soft-boil an egg you'd never let past your lips?
I'm
different now. I love to cook. I love to eat. I'm healthier,
recent asthma bout not counting. This is the body that climbed the
fourteener. This is the body that rode the MS 150 from Denver to
Canyon City. (That's 150 miles away, just by way of explanation.)
This body carried two high risk pregnancies.
So
what's my problem? Anorexia is like alcoholism. You can be a
behaving anorexic, or an active one. I'm behaving. But on those
days when the jeans are a little tight and life is a bit out of
control (those high risk pregnancies are now two teenage boys) I long
for the control. The euphoria of extreme hunger and the will-power
to overcome it.
I
know it's hard to understand unless you've walked the road yourself.
But it's an evil monster, and when you see it stalking those you
love, it puts you on alert. Moms – please don't ever mention
weight to your daughter no matter what. Praise her for her wonderful
qualities, let her eat what she wants, and remember that one CarelessWord can start a cycle that will never end.
Ok,
probably not the sort of monster you were expecting, but you can visit
Tim Brannan at and get all the info. Meanwhile, it's a blog hop, so hop on over to
one of the other participants you'll find on the list below.
