Monday, October 29, 2012

Monstrous Monday Blog Hop!

Monsters. There are scary monsters, silly monsters, classic monsters, imaginary monsters. I'm going to write about the monster that stalks me daily. Let's see if you can guess who it is.

My monster has the power to alter what I see in the mirror. I get a skewed picture.
My monster makes me think about it every waking second of every day. I cannot escape. Ordinary tasks, ordinary events of the day take on epic proportion as I battle it. It's the center of my universe, and likes it there.

If I try to hide, it finds me.
It finds me in jeans that are a bit tight.
It finds me questioning every bite of food I put in my mouth.
It whispers in my ear that I can finally have back what I haven't had in so long.

It sings a siren song of solution to all my troubles.
If only I were thinner, then...
I might not have high blood pressure
I might not have asthma
He might pay more attention to me
I'd be able to get more done
I wouldn't be depressed
I wouldn't be in pain

It's all there, all for the taking, if I just take back the control. It's really about control, and not so much about food.

Have you guessed?

I was never a cook. I mean, when all you eat in a month is maybe one piece of plastic wrapped American cheese from your roommate's shelf in the fridge, why bother learning sauteing or double boilers or how to soft-boil an egg you'd never let past your lips?

I'm different now. I love to cook. I love to eat. I'm healthier, recent asthma bout not counting. This is the body that climbed the fourteener. This is the body that rode the MS 150 from Denver to Canyon City. (That's 150 miles away, just by way of explanation.) This body carried two high risk pregnancies.

So what's my problem? Anorexia is like alcoholism. You can be a behaving anorexic, or an active one. I'm behaving. But on those days when the jeans are a little tight and life is a bit out of control (those high risk pregnancies are now two teenage boys) I long for the control. The euphoria of extreme hunger and the will-power to overcome it.

I know it's hard to understand unless you've walked the road yourself. But it's an evil monster, and when you see it stalking those you love, it puts you on alert. Moms – please don't ever mention weight to your daughter no matter what. Praise her for her wonderful qualities, let her eat what she wants, and remember that one CarelessWord can start a cycle that will never end.

Ok, probably not the sort of monster you were expecting, but you can visit Tim Brannan at and get all the info. Meanwhile, it's a blog hop, so hop on over to one of the other participants you'll find on the list below.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Wow! That's a scary monster you have to control.

Ghadeer said...

I'm glad you're different now though. I think the 'no weight criticism' should apply both ways though- I get taunted about my skinniness even though I keep myself well-nutritioned.

JoJo said...

i'm glad you are doing well with it. I never had anorexia...I couldn't bring myself to completely starve or throw up. BUT that said, that voice is still in my head all the time. And it's my mom's voice. She was so food/weight obsessed that I was always on diets when I was a child. Any time I wanted a tiny bit of butter on veggies or potatoes I was told, 'that's fattening'. So I didn't use it. I was always being told to go out and exercise. Given cottage cheese with a peach slice and 4 unsalted saltines for lunch. As a result, I eat almost no food now and can't lose weight b/c my doctor told me all those diets during childhood permanently destroyed my metabolism. I am now always in starvation mode, my body conserving calories b/c it never knows when it will get food again. I will never, ever forgive my mother for doing this to me and ruining my self esteem, making me believe that if I was overweight, I'd be undesirable to men and society, that I'd never get hired if I was fat.

Oddly enough, the whole reason my fiance' fell for me when we were in high school, and thinks I'm the sexiest most beautiful woman he's ever met now, is because of my curves and fleshy bum, thighs and tum. He is the one who is finally healing my self esteem and loves to see me eat.

shelly said...

Glad to hear you've got that under control. I used to be a yo-yo-dieting-binge eater. There were times I would eat until I threw up. Just as bad as an anorexic.

Hugs and chocolate,

Anonymous said...

That is a SCARY monster indeed! I am glad you have things in a better spot, though knowing that it is there and looming is better than forgetting and allowing it back. Good luck with that monster, which sounds more like a demon! Best - Elisa

Anonymous said...

That is a SCARY monster indeed! I am glad you have things in a better spot, though knowing that it is there and looming is better than forgetting and allowing it back. Good luck with that monster, which sounds more like a demon! Best - Elisa

Brian Miller said...

i am glad you have a handle on that is def one that will rule your compulsions....i love food too much...smiles.

Joylene Nowell Butler said...

I recognize your monster, and yes, he's very very scary. So glad you defeated him.

Yolanda Renée said...

Some monsters are truly surprising. This one is hideous and real. Good for you and your ability to fight, but you're right it is a continuous battle!

Good luck, always!

Timothy S. Brannan said...

Excellent post.

I am so glad that you posted this. This is the sort thing I really wanted to see here. People taking a basic concept and then totally making it their own.

I Am glad you are better now.

Annalisa Crawford said...

I love the list of the things your body has achieved. This is a very important post, and I'm glad you've got control of your monster.

Cathy Keaton said...

This is certainly a worthy monster to blog about. Although, I can't relate to you exactly, we all have monsters like this crawling around in our hearts and minds, waiting to pounce on us.

I'm glad you are doing so much better and not letting anorexia run your life for you, anymore. I agree that moms should never say anything about weight to their daughters unless they are clearly endangering their own health by being too thin or too heavy. Pudgy-ness is nothing to complain about, no matter the age.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

Glad you found the weapons to battle a real monster.

M Pax said...

Glad you were able to tame that monster. Thanks for sharing your demon with us.

Gwen Gardner said...

That's the biggest monster I've seen all day! But you have a healthy respect for it, so you'll be alright:)

D.G. Hudson said...

I've never had anorexia, but I know all about it. One girl I worked with was bulimic, she was obsessed with not being fat. She was never a happy person.

We deal with CVS in our family, and I've written about it on my blog (one of my daughters had to go the anorexia clinic so they could rule that out). CVS is rare, according to our doc, but on the rise.

Glad you're controlling it.

Tamara said...

I've had a lot of experience with friends having anorexia. I really admire that you beat it. This was an excellent post!

Arlee Bird said...

I guess we all have our own personal monsters to contend with and they can be scarier than any made up monster of fiction.

A Faraway View

Shannon Lawrence said...

:( I'm sorry you have to struggle with this particular monster. But WOW at what you have achieved!


Laurita said...

There are so many monsters that lurk inside our heads. It shows your strength that you are the boss of yours, and that you can talk about it so candidly.

Jeremy Bates said...

Wow, that's a real life monster indeed. Yeah, so many suffer from the terrors of that. My fiancee complains about her jeans as well but I always encourage her and let her know she is fine, fine, fine that way she is! Good luck on battling that monster. You have the wherewithal to defeat it!

Hart Johnson said...

I didn't know you were in recovery--I think food (or control related to food) is harder than other addictions because you can't actually survive without it. You have to manage moderation somehow.Definitely a monster.