Time

(photo by me)

Time

Sometimes it's so fast

Kids growing up,

You think you're watching,

savoring, but

we blink,

and they're so

GROWN

Time

Sometimes so slow

Claustrophobicallystuckinthewindowseatwithnoroom

foryourkneesoryournotebookordrink

Unending time,

Unmeasurable, no clocks

Time

You stare at that clock

The hands don't move, or

They're moving backwards, as

You contemplate fate

What brought you here,

How long you'll stay

If you'll ever leave, or

If you and that clock

Will be having that same, stale

Staring contest

Through eternity

But sometimes

TIME

Just is, and you

Endure the next minute

the next minute, and even

the next minute

Until the minutes stack themselves

Tall enough that you have

A foothold, and can

Finally, escape

Return

Home

Home is where time

Loses it's meaning, and

You just ARE,

regardless

Of what's happening

It doesn't matter

Fast, slow, uncomfortable

Brief

Home, IS

Timeless comfort.

****

It's been a...trying month. Thought I'd share some of the aspects.

~Tina

©2014 All Rights Reserved

Dream a Little Dream...

I've been wearing a CPAP machine since the end of June. I think we've finally become reluctant friends, or at least declared a cease-fire.

In case you missed my incessant whining about it, you can read “SCUBA, Anyone?” and “Why I'm No Longer Going to Colonize Mars”. Basically, it plays into my claustrophobia, and my extreme fear of drowning. I had nightmares (at first) about both of those events and would wake up hyperventilating, which is kinda hard to do when air is being forced down your throat. I'm a champion panicker though, so I managed.

After a while, as I was getting used to it, my dreams changed to me being assigned impossible tasks and working on them all night long. If I woke up and then went back to sleep, I'd be back in the same dream, at the same place I left, still having to complete the hideous task.

Have you ever run a daycare with too many children to count who were not allowed to take naps and the cars you had to transport them places were all rusted out with no car seats?

Or how about catering a large affair for 200 people, in a cooking competition (we do know where THAT part of the dream came from) and all the other teams have assistants, but you're all alone to cook and serve just as efficiently as the others. Wow, that was a LONG night. I never did get all the plates done and was actually glad when the alarm went off at 5 am.

However, a couple of nights ago, I had a really strange dream that kept shifting genre. It was a shorter dream, and it kept starting over, with me playing a different role each time. At first I helped kidnap a bus driver, then the next time I helped the bus driver escape. The third iteration, the bus driver and I were falling in love, and by the fourth time, we were married with an adorable little boy.

When the alarm went off that next morning, I was almost melancholy to let it go. That boy felt like a real son and as I was coming to consciousness, I just felt the ache of leaving him behind and entering my real world. Of course, I did eventually wake up fully and realized that my own kids were needing me to keep them on track for the “get ready for school” three ring circus. I shook it off as I took off my mask and went on with my day.

What's your weirdest dream? Care to interpret mine that just kept changing? Have you ever just wanted to just stay in the dream you were having?

~Tina

Why I'm No Longer Going to Colonize Mars

I think I've changed my mind on the whole going to colonize Mars question. I don't think I want to go anymore.  The Engineer and I watched probably THE most stupid movie of all time (well, nothing can really beat Speed 2 for stupidest, so I guess 2^nd stupidest then) on Sunday night. It's called Stranded. I hate to advertise for it, but I do want to save you the pain, the horror, the total and utter boredom so I'm naming it. In addition, if you wear a CPAP machine, this is SO NOT the movie for you.

In a previous post, I compared wearing a CPAP to SCUBA diving.  I think I've found an even better analogy. It's like wearing a space suit and going EVA – Extra Vehicular Activity – as in out of the space ship. Watching them get all zipped up and strapped in, loading the oxygen tanks, and closing the lids on their helmets, all was a build-up of claustrophobia for me.

Then they switch to what you hear when you're inside a space suit. It sounds JUST like what you hear when wearing a CPAP mask. That Darth Vader in and out with pressure and wheezing air. I'd tried to explain it to The Engineer, but he couldn't remember any SCUBA movies, or the associated sound, so he didn't really get my explanation. Once I heard it from inside the space suit, I paused the movie to proclaim, “That's it! That's what it sounds like in a CPAP!”

He was surprised. “Really? It sounds that bad? No wonder you freak out when you put on your mask. Does it stop?” Um, no, not unless you're asleep...

So here's my advice, for movie watchers and for CPAP wearers. Don't watch Stranded. If you wear a CPAP, don't watch movies with space suits, and people who suffocate in them s l o w l y  while running out of oxygen and you get to watch the whole thing. Several times. This is like one of those teenage run-into-the-woods-when-the-killer-is-coming type deals. One by one...

What movies freak you out? Do you have any phobias, or is it just me?

SCUBA, Anyone?

I've been snorkeling, even though it's on the edge of what my claustrophobia can tolerate. All I have to do is lift my head and I'm back to oxygen through my nose and nothing pressing down on me.

I've always said that I could never go SCUBA diving, though, because I'd be too freaked out by the weight of the water over me, and the regulator, the sounds of my own breathing, and the need to ascend slowly if I should panic and want to be above water. SCUBA diving has been pretty easy for me to avoid, though. It's outrageously expensive and usually most readily available in tropical areas, and my budget has kept me away.

I go SCUBA diving every night now. I got my CPAP machine. I wear a mask. Head gear keeps it in place. I have to keep my mouth shut or the force of the air pressure gags me. I have to take deep breaths or I get all out breath and can't get enough air. The mask moves around a bit if I do, and then the condensation from the added humidity drips on my face adding to the underwater sensation.

I dream water dreams. Boats, ships, dingys. They all sink. Swimming. Water skiing, only I can't get up so they drag me under water instead. I float in a womb (a very large womb) of some alien creature and try to use sign-language to communicate with the people I see waving to me, only they never respond. I wake up. Still imprisoned by my gear.

(looks innocent enough, right?)

All those water dreams make me need to use the bathroom. Off comes all the gear and the whole process starts again. I can't go back to sleep for a while, so I lay there, breathing too fast, feeling like I'm drowning, and there's no escape. It's hard to get comfortable with all those pressure points poking your head. I wake up with red marks striping my face. (If I loosen the contraption, it leaks and makes an awful rattling noise it took me 45 minutes to fix the other night.)

(here's me being ultra-brave and putting this on the internet for you - almost as scary as drowning every night - but I trust you not to put it on your facebook page of alien creatures your children are frightened by)

They promise me wonderful health benefits: lower blood pressure, an increase in the hormone which allows weight loss, more energy from a “good” night's sleep, higher oxygen levels (mine dropped to below 72% during the sleep study), and general better well being. Not sure my psyche can handle it, because so far it's claustrophobia, stress, nightmares, and sore spots on my face.

I know Jo (see my sidebar - Jo on Food, My Travels and a Scent of Chocolate) has a CPAP and has been blogging about it.  She seems to be doing well.  Anyone else?  Any advice?  Tough it out?  Give up?  Take sleeping pills or tranquilizers?  Or just double my wine intake?  All advice welcome.  Not all will be followed...