Why "Reply All" is The Most Dangerous Button

When I first entered the business world, as opposed to when I was a teacher in the late 80s and no one had computers, I learned that there was a very dangerous setting in the email system.  It's "reply all".

This particular setting can be dangerous for many reasons, but the two most important ones, in my opinion, are:

- saying the wrong words to the wrong person

- saying the wrong words to someone who doesn't care one iota what you're saying, yet has to wade through your responses

Some people have their DEFAULT email settings on "reply all".  I do not understand this.  It is much more likely that what you need to say to respond to an email applies to one or maybe two people, than to the entire group the email was sent to.  It's much better to have it set to just reply to the person, THEN you can deliberately add others that you've specifically chosen to also hear what you have to say.

Using this pre-caution can save you a lot of embarrassment, and potential for putting your foot so far into your mouth that there is no extracting it.  I can think of many instances of corporate communication when the conversation veered off into complaining about a certain employees lazy habits, and yet there she was, still in the email chain, probably feeling each stab of the knife in her back as the emails rolled in, her name not taken off.

I'm not saying that those words didn't need to be said. Perhaps some disciplinary action was in order, but that should have been discussed through other channels of HR, and not in gossipy email between co-workers.

The other instance of mis-use of the reply-all button has to do with personal correspondence.  I've been the on the receiving end of too many of the following type incident.

Let's say someone is having a baby, and a list has been provided to a friend to "alert everyone" once the blessed event has happened.  Great!  Glad to be informed.  Happy for the new parents.  What I don't need though is my phone beeping for the next three hours when everyone on that distribution list chimes in with their congratulations!  

Random numbers that aren't part of my contacts keep popping up with, "That's awesome!  I bet he looks just like his dad!  Tell them all...."  For hours.  It's wonderful that you want to congratulate and communicate.  Just would you please do it with just the person who sent you the text or email or whatever form of communication it was?  I have no idea who you are.  I don't really need 27 of basically the same thing over and over again.

I know they mean well.  I know it's hard to teach some people to just hit "reply", or to start a new text to just the one person.  I'd appreciate it though, and I know others would, too.  We've discussed it.  At length.

Besides, wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry? Wouldn't you be mortified if you said the wrong this to the wrong person?  Wouldn't you prefer not to wake someone up all night long with congratulations texts?  I think you would.

So confession time.  How many of you have been burned by hearing the wrong thing about yourself, or saying the wrong thing to the wrong person? How many extraneous group reply texts have you gotten? 

Or should this have gone on Wednesdays rant about the little things that bother depressed people when they can't face the real world?

~Tina, inquiring minds want to know

©2014 All Rights Reserved 

Jenocide Rides The Text Train To the Station

It's time you met Jenocide. We've been friends since we were both pregnant with our now almost 16 year-old sons and have weathered many a storm together. This has all been long distance, because she had the nerve to move across the country after we'd only been friends about a year. I have forgiven...just not forgotten.

Jenocide is not, shy, not afraid of conflict, even if it comes to severe conflict. She kinda relishes in being a bad-ass. I haven't written about her before, because she's a very private person...but enough is enough...time to meet her. I decided the best way to “get her feet wet” on my blog was to throw her in the deep end of the pool...and she wouldn't have it any other way.

So here's what's actually a typical TRUE story of the kind of conflicts she finds herself in.

Warning...this story contains a lot of “colorful metaphors.” To quote Spock in Star Trek IV, “During this time period, lots of colorful metaphors were used in communication.” Translation = bad words. Since I try to keep my blog pretty much PG, I will substitute and try to convey the depth of the word choices without offending anyone. Wish me luck.

Do you use craigslist? We do a lot, and have never had anything remotely like this happen. Jenocide and husband were in the process of buying a car for their soon to be new driver, and had made complicated arrangements through craigslist with a man named Art to drive 2 ½ hours one way, take the car to a mechanic to have it inspected, but were pretty sure they were coming home with the car. They hadn't gotten the VIN as the mechanic had requested, even after several attempts, but were proceeding anyway. As they are pulling out of the driveway, Jenocide texts them to say they're on their way.

“We're on our way“

“I can't do this. I get 20 calls a day on this flippin' car”

“Are you kidding me? You realize we're coming to buy this car. At least you had the decency to tell me before we drove all the FLIPPIN' way there. What's wrong with you people?”

“This Art's wife. I don't have time for this BS with my schedule or your BS inspection so bring the mechanic to us you (derogatory name for a female)”

“You really think I'm going to drive two hours and pay for a car I can't test drive or inspect? Flip you and you're POS probably stolen vehicle. Good luck selling it to one of those 20 people. Don't contact me again.”

“FU. You said you were buying the car, so come here and buy it or we'll find you and make you really pay.”

It was at this point Jenocide thought, wow, this has escalated insanely quickly to something really ugly, but I kinda feel like riding this text train all the way to the station. So she decides to bait her.

“You do realize your husband texted me your address last night, right? You realize I can find YOU and you have no idea who I am or how to find ME? So bring your trash a** on down here. In fact, I look forward to it.”

“FU. I've sold 20 cars on craigslist and you're the only idiot who wanted an inspection and all this BS. You're a stupid (more derogatory terms for female, cringeworthy). You may not buy this car now. I've decided not to sell it to you. “

“You're still coming here to find me, right? Because I've got to be honest, I'm looking forward to it. I've set aside my whole day to wait for you.”

“FU. We'll meet you (at a middle point) and you can buy the car only now it's $300 more.”

“Ma'am, here's my counter offer...you come find me, and I'll give you the money, and you can keep your POS car. How'd that be? What time should I expect you?”

Apparently Art's wife was now done conversing.

As it turns out, this was providence. They found a MUCH nicer, much newer, better quality car IN TOWN and bought that. And she's still waiting to hear back from Art's wife ;-)

It's plain to see that she's a character. I AVOID conflict. She relishes it. I find her stories quite entertaining, and if I were in some back alley and in trouble, I wouldn't need a superhero of any kind, just Jenocide.

Do you have you craigslist experience? Do you enjoy a good knock-down text war with an insane stranger? Would you like to borrow my superhero?

~Tina