Friday, April 2, 2010

Yes, Just Like the Hurricane

You might as well know my real name. It's Katrina. And yes, I've heard the jokes. I'm rather proud, though. If you're going to have a hurricane name, might as well be a big hurricane. A memorable one. I kinda like being memorable.

The best hurricane jokes were from my closest friends and family though, because they recognized that a ferocious, damaging, temperamental hurricane rather fit me. I'm not one of those die-when-it-hits-land, not what they were expecting, disappointing hurricanes. No sirree, I'm loud, obnoxious at times, and you really can't miss me in a room. My laugh is rather annoying, I think, and watch out when I sneeze. You might need new ear-drums.

My mom always called me choleric. She'd read one of those personality test articles as she was raising us and we were forever labeled. My sister was the melancholic, and my brother the sanguine. (She described herself (also melancholic) and Dad, too, but he's the private Swede, so I won't divulge his details here). I liked my Dad's nickname for me a lot better. He called me his "Berg-o-Dal Bana". That's Swedish for rollercoaster. I think that fits. If I'm happy, I'm very happy, and if I'm sad, I'm very sad. And my moods do swing. Dramatic, if you will. (I played the warden quite well in eighth grade, thankyouverymuch). Mom also called me Type A. Yeah, that fits too. If you've read any of my back posts, you can spot that fairly quickly.

But who do I think I am? I've had some time to ponder that lately, what with being confined to bed and couch with whooping cough. (Yeah, finally got a diagnosis. Nasty disease. Immunize your children, people. I was, because in Sweden you don't have a choice, but immunity wanes, and the disease is still live since some choose not to vaccinate...but I'll rant about that in another post I suppose...can't rabbit trail everywhere.) I've been many things: student, teacher, office manager. And I'm still many things: mother, wife, sister, friend, home-school teacher. But I've been feeling less like "me" and more like the roles I'm fulfilling. How do I become me again?

I think it has to do with planning and fulfilling plans, and being in charge of plans, and completing plans. I really do. I think it's a control thing. When I'm in charge, making the list, crossing the items of the list as they are completed, I feel so fulfilled. (And yes, before you ask, if I do a task that wasn't on the list, I *will* add it to the list so that I can cross it off. I know this isn't normal. But I know I'm not the only one who does this :-) When I had my job, my lovely, complicated, challenging job, I felt like a person. A person who got up in the morning and conducted this three ring circus of breakfast making and lunch making and did you put your book report in your backpack get your gym clothes out of the dryer I washed them last night after you went to bed because it's Wednesday and you have gym and don't forget your recorder your playing for chapel and after school Grandma is picking you up not your carpool to take you to the library because you need that book for your science report honey get the chicken out of the freezer it needs to go in the crockpot before we leave thanks what do you want for breakfast? Then I'd go run the office where there was another circus of stuff to do that I held together much like the above only it was all engineers and international customers and I was learning new things each day. Exciting things that I had to teach myself. It was thrilling! I had lists at home and lists at work. Wow, I can do so many things! Look at ME!

And now I'm not. I'm not working and I'm not even doing the home things. I'm just sitting here. Feeling un-me. Feeling un. And looking at what it's going to be like even when I'm well. Because I pretty much went from job to the insanity of December then taking care of sick kids, then funeral and visitors, then just barely beginning home-schooling to bed rest. Two circuses to a couch. Not just abrupt u-turn but now full-halt. Who is this stopped person?

That's a questions I guess I need some time to savor.


7 comments:

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny said...

You may find this is a question you will ask yourself through all the phases of your life. I think sometimes we need to be more selfish in finding our own voices, our own hearts...

I hope the sunshine finds you soon!

My name is PJ. said...

Tina, When you have a period of time during which you've been slowed or stopped, it's God's way of saying change direction or pace. It's time to reflect and see how you can more easily go with the flow. It's time to recuperate, renew, resolve, regroup, regain and then rejoin the world.

You asked if I was Scandinavian. Norwegian, until you go back to 600 AD (seriously) and then it would have been Swedish. But I'm only 1/4. I'm what you call a Mutt - a cross of 5 nationalities. ;)

Vicki said...

Hi Tina, forgot to do the follow thing last post..Sorry to hear you're sick. I've heard of children still getting whooping cough but not adults. UGH, hope you get well soon.

I'm at a time of change in my life also. New job in a place I never thought I'd go back to. Lived there as a kid and hated it. Anyway, we do what we have to do and learn to adapt. And we seem to find our place where ever we are. I also know it takes time to find out just who we are sometimes, but we always do.

Being a Math teacher is awesome in my book..it isn't an easy thing for me. That on top of the HR experiences makes for some pretty special know-how. You'll start up here soon and become a new you...even better (o:

Keep blogging....

Sarah said...

Tina,
Thank you for stopping by to visit and leaving such a thoughtful comment. The carrot pitcher is one I've had for many years, but the company is around so you might be able to fine one. I don't know if they still make this one or not. I love K&B ceramics. They are full of whimsy and are beautifully made. Sorry to hear that you are dealing with WC. I wish you well. I agree that folks should get their children immunized.
I've added myself as a new follower. Look forward to return visits.

Pondside said...

Hi Katrina - whooping cough is no fun. One year The Great Dane and both our children (all immunized) had it. I was the only to escape, so I nursed.
I'm sorry to read that you're having such a rough time. The feeling of just being 'un' is so hard, but your writing persuades me that you are a resilient person and will get through to the other side.

MJ said...

Tina - it is difficult when we feel like we lose ourselves to the roles that we take on. But I have learned that we are an ever changing breed, and who we were yesterday is not who we will be tomorrow. It is exciting and scary at the same time. BUT I have also learned that it is very important to do what I would like to do so that I don't feel bitterness when tomorrow comes.