The best hurricane jokes were from my closest friends and family though, because they recognized that a ferocious, damaging, temperamental hurricane rather fit me. I'm not one of those die-when-it-hits-land, not what they were expecting, disappointing hurricanes. No sirree, I'm loud, obnoxious at times, and you really can't miss me in a room. My laugh is rather annoying, I think, and watch out when I sneeze. You might need new ear-drums.
My mom always called me choleric. She'd read one of those personality test articles as she was raising us and we were forever labeled. My sister was the melancholic, and my brother the sanguine. (She described herself (also melancholic) and Dad, too, but he's the private Swede, so I won't divulge his details here). I liked my Dad's nickname for me a lot better. He called me his "Berg-o-Dal Bana". That's Swedish for rollercoaster. I think that fits. If I'm happy, I'm very happy, and if I'm sad, I'm very sad. And my moods do swing. Dramatic, if you will. (I played the warden quite well in eighth grade, thankyouverymuch). Mom also called me Type A. Yeah, that fits too. If you've read any of my back posts, you can spot that fairly quickly.
But who do I think I am? I've had some time to ponder that lately, what with being confined to bed and couch with whooping cough. (Yeah, finally got a diagnosis. Nasty disease. Immunize your children, people. I was, because in Sweden you don't have a choice, but immunity wanes, and the disease is still live since some choose not to vaccinate...but I'll rant about that in another post I suppose...can't rabbit trail everywhere.) I've been many things: student, teacher, office manager. And I'm still many things: mother, wife, sister, friend, home-school teacher. But I've been feeling less like "me" and more like the roles I'm fulfilling. How do I become me again?
I think it has to do with planning and fulfilling plans, and being in charge of plans, and completing plans. I really do. I think it's a control thing. When I'm in charge, making the list, crossing the items of the list as they are completed, I feel so fulfilled. (And yes, before you ask, if I do a task that wasn't on the list, I *will* add it to the list so that I can cross it off. I know this isn't normal. But I know I'm not the only one who does this :-) When I had my job, my lovely, complicated, challenging job, I felt like a person. A person who got up in the morning and conducted this three ring circus of breakfast making and lunch making and did you put your book report in your backpack get your gym clothes out of the dryer I washed them last night after you went to bed because it's Wednesday and you have gym and don't forget your recorder your playing for chapel and after school Grandma is picking you up not your carpool to take you to the library because you need that book for your science report honey get the chicken out of the freezer it needs to go in the crockpot before we leave thanks what do you want for breakfast? Then I'd go run the office where there was another circus of stuff to do that I held together much like the above only it was all engineers and international customers and I was learning new things each day. Exciting things that I had to teach myself. It was thrilling! I had lists at home and lists at work. Wow, I can do so many things! Look at ME!
And now I'm not. I'm not working and I'm not even doing the home things. I'm just sitting here. Feeling un-me. Feeling un. And looking at what it's going to be like even when I'm well. Because I pretty much went from job to the insanity of December then taking care of sick kids, then funeral and visitors, then just barely beginning home-schooling to bed rest. Two circuses to a couch. Not just abrupt u-turn but now full-halt. Who is this stopped person?
That's a questions I guess I need some time to savor.