Monday, January 4, 2010

Abrupt U-Turn

Ok, so another blow to the whole perfectionism thing.

I wasn't getting a lot of time to blog, or read, or keep house, raise children, cook, clean, study, write lesson plans, sleep, spend time with The Engineer, etc. because I'd gotten a fantastic promotion at work. Great benefits, a chance to create a new department, going full force down a road that was exciting, on a plan that I had created, as a part of a bigger plan The Engineer and I had made with certain milestones along the way in order to achieve that which he has always wanted. His own company. Out of our home. Oh how wrong I was. Oh how hard I was to fall in order for me learn that.

You know how you think you know what God wants you to do by certain things just going your way? Like if you pray for three years for a full-time job with insurance so that your husband doesn't need a job with benefits, and can therefore back away from a traditional job and maybe instead be home during the day, building his own business, and maybe at first, just to make ends meet, deliver pizza (which he has lots of experience in, 15 years actually, first to put himself through school, and then to quickly pay off stupid debt, and then later to send kids to private school). So when full-time comes your way, you think, "Great! This is it! Answer to prayer! Yes!" And happily accept, and merrily go on your way, and hubby has flex time, so you rearrange your schedules and he works 6-4 and you work 9-5 and kids are alone 3:30-4 and life is peachy. You spread out the cooking among the three of you who enjoy it, cram the laundry and shopping into the weekend, stay up a little later, get up a little earlier and all is going along JUST FINE THANK YOU.

But then on just a normal day, you're called into the conference room for what you think is your Christmas bonus and you walk out having your employment terminated. Excuse me God, what is this about? Seriously? Didn't I just get this job? Wasn't I working really hard? What went wrong? Did I not hear you correctly? Why did I get this offer after all this praying if you didn't want me to take it? How am I even to know what you want from me? How does an employee go from praise and thanks and stellar reviews and raises to goodbyedon'tletthedoorhityouhandoverthecreditcardandthekeysdon'tbotherloggingouthereisyour severancesignhereandleaverightnow.

I was crushed. Free fall in a freight elevator. Drop a ton of bricks on my head. Took the wrong turn and ran into a brick wall. Epic Fail (I have a teen ager. It's what they say. I saw the flair on facebook...)

I am now at a loss. I just want to know WHY. They told me some things. These things aren't true to the best of my knowledge. I am a hard worker, conscientious, meticulous, accurate, a FREAKING PERFECTIONIST for Pete's sake. How could this happen? To ME? I'd just like someone to tell me WHY. Then I can process. And go on. Because seriously, what this not as recovered as she thought perfectionist is doing now is driving herself crazy going over every single possible angle for any possible clue as to what she possible could have done. MEANWHILE, the bigger question remains: God was not surprised by this. So what is my lesson? And what is the plan now? Because I certainly am not making any more plans for a while just to have them smashed and crashed and blown to bits.

Yes, I'm a bit bitter and cynical and scared and confused.

After all, no one said life was going to be fair. Or fun. Or make sense. He just promised he'd be with us. And He is. Just wish He'd tell me what to do. NOW. I am also not patient. But that's another post :-)

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Oh, Tina, my heart is aching for you. But can I just say that when our children were in middle school was when they began to need me at home the most? *They* did not think so, of course! And they did not just need the physical presence of a parent (after all, Kerry was working from home most of the time-- but he was working--a lot, and really couldn't be distracted by helpmate duties). They needed the presence of a parent who was not distracted with thoughts of outside commitments and busy trying to catch up on housework. And all their latchkey friends needed someone, too.

I know you feel hurt and betrayed by your job loss. And confused about the direction God wants you to go. And, if you're like me, sometimes God needs to hit you over the head before you "get it" (I, for one, have a permanently lumpy head)! Just a few thoughts from a brand new empty nester who is wondering where the time went, where her babies went, and if she really spent her time and energy on the right things.