Depression
hurts. You've probably heard that phrase, it's the “jingle” for
one of the major anti-depressants out there. My depression started
with my chronic pain. It now continues with chronic medical issues.
Do
you know what depression feels like, besides pain? Let me try to
explain to you. Try. It's my theory that if you've never had it,
you can never fully understand it.
Depression
is like being dressed in chain mail, that's so heavy it's hard to
move. It's trying to see through dirty windows. It's small tasks
taking on insurmountable numbers of steps. It's the inertia of “I'll
just stay right here, it's too hard to do anything else.”
Yesterday
I had two more procedures, and my body feels like it's a dish rag
that has been wrung dry, run over repeatedly by a truck, threaded
through with the drying line, and is flapping in the wind, with no
control over what happens next. Is some kid going to throw a rock at
it? Will the squirrels come chew on it? Is someone going to yank it
down, throw it in the washing machine to drown?
I
have a lot of tasks with actual deadlines (we're not talking working
on my book which went on the back burner a week ago and is now off
the stove and put away). I need to get things ready for an important
party. I need to do laundry, because almost everyone is out of
clothes (and don't say have my boys do it, there was a third
Saturday night trip to the ER and OYT is now one handed with a bad
hand sprain.)
We
need groceries, which I will have delivered, but let's break that
down into all the steps that paralyze a depressed person.
- find website
- find weekly newspaper ad from store
- navigate website
- use weekly ad to choose items that are on sale and family might eat for dinner
- add/remove items to stay within budget
- pay
- arrange deliver time
- be dressed enough with hair combed enough not to frighten driver
- put away groceries
Non-depressed
people say helpful things like:
“Cheer
up! It's all going to be fine.”
“Pray.
God is bigger than this. He'll help you out of this.”
“You
shouldn't be depressed, look at all your blessings!”
“Being
depressed is not the Christian way to behave. We have Jesus, we're
going to heaven, all this earth stuff is nothing.”
“You're
being selfish. You don't get to lay in bed all day feeling sorry for
yourself. Get up and do something.”
And
my favorite, “I know just how you feel. I get sad sometimes
too, but it passes. You'll feel better soon.”
Well,
there are these these brain chemicals that let the nerve cells
(neurons) communicate with one another, sending correct messages all
over your brain. They are called serotonin, dopamine, and
norepinephrine. When they get depleted from stress, pain, disease or
other factors (use wiki “depression” for good info), they can't
communicate effectively, and sometimes send the wrong signal, or no
signal at all. This disorder has been compared to diabetes where
there isn't enough insulin produced, another chemical inbalance.
Would
you walk up to a diabetic and tell them to get over it? That if they
just prayed more they'd get better? That they shouldn't be diabetic
because they are so blessed? I don't think you would.
Please
have patience with us depressed people. We are trying. We'd love
nothing more than to be normal. We want to enjoy what we used to
enjoy. We want not to hurt. Meanwhile, we're wearing chain mail,
can't see through the dirty windows, and hurt all over. Give us a
break, a gentle hug. And some slack...
P.S
You're probably wondering what they did to me yesterday to bring on
this dump of personal info. Colonoscopy and endoscopy. Waiting for
results of multiple biopsies. Thanks for listening.
