Get off Your Brother!

I think most moms and dads develop phrases they use to get the attention of their children. We have of course, the classics.

“Don't make me pull this car over!”

“If I have to come back there...”

“Wait until your father gets home!”

In our house, the most used phrase is, “Get off your brother!” It's a handy phrase when you have two boys. There's no need to investigate the situation at length, because inevitably one brother will be “on” the other. It's generic enough that it has multiple applications.

Wrestling too hard for the younger one? “Get off your brother!”

Clinging and hugging too much? “Get off your brother!”

General pestering and annoying? “Get off your brother!”

Hear someone shrieking in misery? “Get off your brother!”

It's funny to hear their responses, because they admit their guilt without meaning to. After hearing the phrase, one or both will say, “But Mom, I was only...” It's especially good when they both have something to defend themselves with. Then you know it's a true brotherly spat and that both are partially to blame. A simple, “Get off your brother!” is all that's needed to rectify the situation.

Some situations are more complicated. “But I'm not ON my brother!” This said after some physical confrontation is over and though he is indeed not PRESENTLY on his brother, he sure was a minute ago, which I why I heard screaming. These are the ones that are harder to untangle and figure out the true culprit who must then be dealt with. Sure, the big brother may have put the little one in a headlock and caused discomfort, but why? Surely there was some instigation going on. I'm not saying there haven't been random cases of headlocking happening, but most of the time, the little one has done something irritating causing the older to resort to said method of restraint.

The phrase continues to be useful even now that they are teenagers. Of course The Transporter could best OYT in most altercations of a combative nature, but these days, the “on your brother” is more metaphorical. “Get off your brother!” “But he hasn't done the dishes! I'm just trying to get him to do the dishes!” My job, not yours. Get OFF.

We have a new phrase, too. They've really bonded this school year, and now I get to see them “playing well with each other” and say, “What a nice brother you have!”

Does your family have any handy phrases that you use repeatedly in the wrangling of your children? Did your parents? Please share.

~Tina

Of Course I'm Perfect, Part 2

Ok, so it's not my worst parenting blunder. It's just my most recent. But oh does it highlight so many others that it's worth including in this category. Just so you know, I have an UNENDING supply of parental blunder stories to share. I'm human. And female. And live in a household of MEN. Men who could all be engineers if one of them would just get off his lazy buttocks and produce some actual work. Sigh. (Lost? See yesterday's post).

You know how sometimes you have to apologize to your kids because you screwed up and have to admit you did the wrong thing? I'm in that place more than I care to admit. So we've been camping (as you read yesterday) and are home, and I don't know about your place, but around Colorado we've been setting some serious heat records. I spent Friday packing, Saturday camping, ½ of Sunday un-camping, and the other half lying in my wind tunnel trying not to pass out. I'd forgotten to pack my asthma meds and the lack thereof had finally kicked me in the ass.

“Mom, will you make me some baked oatmeal?” This is a concoction that was served to YellowBoy at camp, and he's been living off of it since. I can just hear the conversation at your house right now,

“Mom? Watcha reading?”

“Some crazy lady who wouldn't get up off her butt and spend ten minutes to make a simple dinner for her son.”

“What was she not making?”

Recipe:

3 cups rolled oats

1 cup brown sugar

2 eggs

1 stick melted butter

1 cup milk

2 tsp vanilla extract

2 tsp cinnamon

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

Mix. Pour into lubed 9x13 pan and bake for 35-40 minutes at 350. It tastes like a granola bar, only it's cheaper and they drink milk with it. Adds up to good in my book. Which might not match yours...but there ya' go.

Here's where it gets ugly. At first I explain about the heat and the packing and the tiredness and the horror of heating the kitchen with the stove to bake. He just calmly looks at me and says,

“Mom, remember when you got back from being gone, and I asked you to make me a sandwich, and you said you're so tired from traveling and that I can make my own sandwich? And then the next day you said you were sorry and that if you'd been thinking of it the right way, you would have spent the five minutes making me the sandwich. This is like that. Can I have some baked oatmeal?”

Of course I cave. If something I did over a year ago has made such a big impact that he can quote me, then I've totally blown it. Baked oatmeal it is. Want some? It's a lot easier to eat than crow.

Of Course I'm Perfect: Part 1

The campground is waking up around me. Some wake up slowly, with whispers that I can doze through. Some are still asleep and nothing stirs at their place. I propose that they are people without children, or dogs, because the families with kids and dogs come with moms who yell, “Stop IT!” to the dog (oh, how effective that is, listen, he's STILL barking) and “Don't touch that to the kid!” (who gets that phrase repeated to him over and over and over again – much like the barking dog gets his phrase). Ineffective parenting bugs the crap out of me. Yes, I'm a perfect parent.

Ok, I'm not. I am, however, a parent who is observant, and since there's a lot of bad parenting all around, there are plenty of counter-examples to avoid, if one just observes how NOT to do it.

Don't tell a kid that, “If you ______ , then I'll________ ,” unless you really, truly mean it. The first time you don't follow through is like poking a tiny hole in a balloon and pretty much all your credibility is drained out in a few short encounters. “Well, she doesn't usually, actually _______ so I think it's worth the risk.”

Don't give kids treats to shut them up. “Ok, fine, have another ice-cream sandwich, just let me talk to ___________ on the phone and don't come in here again!” However, I'm all for a bribe. “IF you can leave me alone for ten minutes, and you sweep the kitchen and take out the trash, THEN you can have another one.” I'm not heartless, nor the sugar police, just trying to keep it real. And get my kitchen swept.

Listen to your kids. Don't tell them, “I'll talk to you later, right now I'm...” If they're actually wanting to talk, don't miss it. Wish I'd learned this one sooner.

Yes, it's really 2:30 am MST. Insomnia sucks. So does my writing at this hour, but I haven't posted in a week and so I'm back to the paranoia of people forgetting me...bad blogging...bad parenting...both bad...good-night.

What's your biggest parenting blunder? Willing to share? I'll share mine tomorrow when I can think more clearly.  You can probably tell right away where the part I wrote while camping ends and the part I wrote in the middle of the night takes over...