Sometimes it's the tiniest of details which will irritate the living snot out of you. There are days when the world's real, huge, scary problems overwhelm you. There are days when you feel on top of the world and can do anything, and there are days when you can barely drag your carcass out of bed for your required duties.
It's no secret that I struggle with depression. Well, at least not if you've read me for a few months. Depression is not knowing what you're going to wake up to, at least not with any sure-fire prediction. Of course there are dark periods where you know you'll be in the pit for a while, and there are strings of days when you seem to be able to find that ladder after all and poke your head out, see if the coast is clear.
However, the littlest thing can set you off. I could list them, but if you're a mom, you probably have the same list. It starts with why are the shoes 6" from the designated spot and not in the spot? There's a rug there. For shoes. You couldn't just take them off six inches further towards the wall? It could end with why don't you just DO the work instead of wasting all this time COMPLAINING about the work when it could have been done by now?
Or there are days when little things don't hit your radar. The situation in Ukraine has you paralyzed, because it's so messed up, and seemingly unfixable without more chaos and hurt and loss of life. Having met Ukrainians, and having your parents close friends with a lot of them from all their ISP trips is heartbreaking. This isn't some far off conflict I can ignore while the dust bunnies make me crawl back under the covers. These are real people who are suffering through this atrocity, and I'm helpless.
Helplessness is one of the big "feelings" of depression. There's nothing I can do, so I'm going to take a nap. Only you can't take a nap, because when you lie down you see the dust bunnies, but you can't GET the dust bunnies because of your physical restrictions, which leads to more depression because now you're helpless AND useless.
It's an endless cycle, and unlike what a lot of people believe, just taking a magic pill isn't going to fix it. It might be the crutch or walker or wheel chair you need to get to the next place, but just as a diabetic can't fix their bodies' lack of the correct chemical production with wishing and hoping, neither can the depressed person fix the chemical imbalance in their body.
Ok, so a rant about depression, dust bunnies, the state of the world, and naps came out. Guess that's where I'm at today.
Do you suffer from depression? What are some of your pet peeves? Any ideas for world peace? I'm listening...
~Tina, just writing