Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Depression, Dust Bunnies, and World Peace: A "Just Write" Post

It's one of those "just write" days.  The purpose of Life is Good is for me to practice writing.  There are days when words flow, and days when the dam is plugged.  There are days when all the jotted topics on my list sound easy to write about, and days when none of them seem like a good idea. Today is a dam-is-plugged day, but the exercise of writing daily is a good discipline, in my opinion.  So let's see what comes trickling out of the dam as I just free write...it was a favorite exercise in one of my writing classes in college...

Sometimes it's the tiniest of details which will irritate the living snot out of you.  There are days when the world's real, huge, scary problems overwhelm you.  There are days when you feel on top of the world and can do anything, and there are days when you can barely drag your carcass out of bed for your required duties.

It's no secret that I struggle with depression.  Well, at least not if you've read me for a few months. Depression is not knowing what you're going to wake up to, at least not with any sure-fire prediction.  Of course there are dark periods where you know you'll be in the pit for a while, and there are strings of days when you seem to be able to find that ladder after all and poke your head out, see if the coast is clear. 

However, the littlest thing can set you off.  I could list them, but if you're a mom, you probably have the same list.  It starts with why are the shoes 6" from the designated spot and not in the spot? There's a rug there.  For shoes.  You couldn't just take them off six inches further towards the wall?  It could end with why don't you just DO the work instead of wasting all this time COMPLAINING about the work when it could have been done by now?

Or there are days when little things don't hit your radar.  The situation in Ukraine has you paralyzed, because it's so messed up, and seemingly unfixable without more chaos and hurt and loss of life. Having met Ukrainians, and having your parents close friends with a lot of them from all their ISP trips is heartbreaking.  This isn't some far off conflict I can ignore while the dust bunnies make me crawl back under the covers.  These are real people who are suffering through this atrocity, and I'm helpless.

Helplessness is one of the big "feelings" of depression. There's nothing I can do, so I'm going to take a nap. Only you can't take a nap, because when you lie down you see the dust bunnies, but you can't GET the dust bunnies because of your physical restrictions, which leads to more depression because now you're helpless AND useless. 

It's an endless cycle, and unlike what a lot of people believe, just taking a magic pill isn't going to fix it. It might be the crutch or walker or wheel chair you need to get to the next place, but just as a diabetic can't fix their bodies' lack of the correct chemical production with wishing and hoping, neither can the depressed person fix the chemical imbalance in their body.

Ok, so a rant about depression, dust bunnies, the state of the world, and naps came out. Guess that's where I'm at today.

Do you suffer from depression? What are some of your pet peeves? Any ideas for world peace? I'm listening...

~Tina, just writing


25 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Magic pill isn't going to solve depression - you're right there.
You need some clones. Or Minions. Someone to do the work for you.
I've even-keeled by nature. I've never been really depressed. Of course, I've never been really happy or excited, either.

Jo said...

I get depressed now and again, I think most people do at some point in their lives (other than Alex), but there is depression and clinical depression which I assume is what you suffer from. One thing I would say is "bugger the dust bunnies" let 'em alone.

Brian Miller said...

ugh. so true in how the little things can set you off....i dont struggle with depression but i def have those days when the little things pile up and i get overwhelmed and its not pretty....

Mason Canyon said...

I'm like Brian and get overwhelmed by the things I can't get done. Then I stop and think about it - as the problems and worries pile up I get more bogged down and isn't that a sign of depression. I enjoy the way you free write, just letting things come. As for the dust bunnies, ah they gotta have a life too. :)

Kate @ Another Clean Slate said...

Time seems to be the only thing that helps my depression- and then one good day. Hope things start looking up soon!

melindahagenson.com said...

I admire your work ethic--it's something to be really proud of. If nothing strikes me as "writeable about" (to quote Plath), I just don't write at all, and then I beat myself up for not writing. I should definitely take a page out of your book!

The situation in the Ukraine gets to me, too. I wrote about it in my G post for the a-z challenge (G is for Geography).

JoJo said...

I stopped watching the news when i moved here and it has done wonders for my mental health. I do check CNN every day, and I follow some news pages on Facebook. But being able to control how much bad news I get is better than listening to the news reporters, seeing the videos and interviews with victims or witnesses. I do struggle w/ depression so I just try to avoid bad news and throw myself into crafts or go to the beach.

Pet peeves? Do you have a month to listen to all mine? lol

Ideas for world peace? Maybe trying to set aside religious and political differences to work together, and just let everyone live their lives. But money and power corrupt, and the religious extremists have no problem with saying 'my god is bigger than your dog and I'll kill you and myself to prove it.'

JoJo said...

OMG....'your GOD' not 'DOG' Wow. Major league typo. lol

loverofwords said...

I get "blue" not depressed, but what I do is figure out why, then I can handle it. Part of the problem for me is not getting out of the house in the Winter. Do those lamps help you--the ones that give you more light for "SAD."? And I do get blue about the world's problems, especially now the Ukraine. Russia has abused, yes abused the Ukraine over the past hundreds of years. I hesitate to blog much about political issues since I got the feeling that these bloggers don't really want to talk about them, and I actually asked myself if I wanted to visit Russia again because, and I know this is paranoid, I think negative comments are kept track of by someone. I have many Russian hits, always, so. . . .?

M. J. Joachim said...

Sometimes you just have to keep swimming, make up your mind to smile and not let anything get to you (which can be extremely difficult, btw), but when you succeed, all you can do is smile even bigger, because the monster didn't win, and you've always been bigger than that stupid bully anyway.

Stephanie Faris said...

No, but I've had people close to me who have gone through it. Medication can help but it takes a long time to get the dosage right...and it doesn't work for everyone, unfortunately.

Murees Dupé said...

I suffer from depression too and though I am using medication, I have more bad days than good. I think you are so brave to blog about it. It is nice to meet someone who understands.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and one of these days you will get to those dust bunnies. Give yourself a break. Best of luck.

Crystal Collier said...

Who hasn't suffered from depression at some point? I've been in and out, especially with long-lasting health challenges, but the truth is, if I focus on the little things, I'm happier. Like cleaning... If I can force myself to remember I'm doing it to create an environment of peace for my family, then I realize I'm serving them and that makes it okay. If. It can be so hard some days to get into the right frame of mind, eh?

Andrew Leon said...

Feed them dust carrots?
I'm almost serious with that answer. I mean, you just decide to do the things you can do say "screw it" about everything else, because you can only do what you can do.

Kathe W. said...

Tina- I am so very fortunate to not suffer from debilitating depression- but I can get my knickers in a twist and have to rant about what horrible awful things humans do to each other in the name of whatever imaginary being they profess to believe in. I am NOT religous BUT I believe in the Golden Rule and I do not understand why we humans are hell so bent on thinking we are much better that others.
As I am often heard to say " If only the world were populated by golden retrievers and labradors- not much would get done, but everyone would be happy." The end of my rant.
Have a great week!

bemuzin.com said...

Yup to everything you said. For me, for you, for everyone who suffers chronic anything. We live in cycles, not knowing what today will be, but making the best of it and continuing to look for better crutches.

Thanks, Tina, for voicing for many.

Elsie Amata said...

As you know, I'm a 12-stepper. I went to a meeting last week and someone asked me if I was depressed. As in diagnosed. I'm not. But, it made me think how people just toss about the word like they do with migraines. Which you know I get, like all the time. They assumed that because I was bummed out about recently being diagnosed with FM, I was depressed. That's not a fair assumption for someone to make.

I can't claim to know what you're going through while you're in the depths of depression simply because I feel sad about something. Just like you don't know what a migraine feels like when you have a bad headache unless you get migraines. I guess what I'm trying to say in this long winded comment is, I can try to empathize with you on some bit of a level. I hope all of this made sense without insulting you =)))

I hope that things get brighter for you. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Oh, and those dust bunnies are just fine. It's when they turn into dust cows that you need to worry. Hugs!!

Elsie

Claudia said...

the whole situation in the ukraine worries me a lot as well... just talked to someone in the office today who is from the ukraine and has her family still there... it's not easy... i have those moody days - wouldn't call it depression - but everything looks a bit darker than usually... i need fresh air then... going for a walk - a bike ride - clears the world up a bit for me

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I saw the title of this post on someone else's blog and needed to stop by. I've struggled with depression all my life, Tina. I wrote a bit about it, including a poem, on my recent post - and have written elsewhere. I know the beast well, and how it can slam you back down when you're not looking. Hang tough.

xoRobyn

TheCyborgMom said...

Being a chronic pain sufferer, depression is the cherry on top. I completely understand when you say, "helpless and useless". I struggle with this so much! Wishing you many more good days than bad Tina :)
~Katie

Heather M. Gardner said...

Just dropping in to tell you that I'm thinking about you and hope you feel better soon.
Heather

Al Diaz said...

I saw the title and it brought me here. I suffer from depression in a cyclic way. Right there, right now. Although I've learned to handle it, it is REALLY tough to spend the day with this feeling of "I suck, this suck, everything sucks". I've been struggling with this for three days now and my head is about to explode as I'm forcing to do things I don't feel like doing, just to not sink on tragic, sad thoughts.

The one thought that keeps me up is "This too shall pass." And the other one is remembering that nothing is as dark and hopeless as it seems now.

Arlee Bird said...

From working with you on A to Z it's kind of hard picturing you depressed. You're like the energy behind A to Z and you keep us smiling.

But I can understand the worries, the helplessness, the feeling down. I feel myself being sucked toward the abyss sometimes, but I figure age is going to suck me in soon enough so I've got to keep fighting.

You've had a lot to deal with so it's a wonder that you can stay as up and encouraged as you do.. Hang in there. You've good a lot of love cheering you on.

Lately my biggest irritant in the news is this whole Donald Sterling Clippers deal. Is it just in Los Angeles or is it all over the country? It's driving me nuts. All day on local radio and TV it's all about Sterling and his racism. Aren't there like some real issues in the world that affect more people?

Smile!

Lee
An A to Z Co-Host
Tossing It Out

Rachel said...

I'll have to call you sometime soon to talk about this sort of stuff. Not a math call. Just a friend to friend chat, if that's okay with you? I've been struggling lately also. I tend to become angry as well as depressed though. My roommate didn't clean the kitchen after he trashed it and after days of it being a mess, I gave up and did it myself today. All I could think was "-creative cursing- I'm going to toss him into the Grand Canyon. Or beat him with a mop. Stupid dirty -rude names-. I hate him. Doesn't he realize I work too?" And the internal rant just continued. I had a right to be upset but cleaning a stove shouldn't have made me want to punch him and then crawl in bed to cry. But as I said, there's a lot going on and a friend to friend chat might help us both some? Maybe?

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Tina .. I haven't commented here - I'm lucky as I don't suffer from D - but see others who do .. and it is so difficult seemingly to know when and how to control it.

Just terrible about Ukraine .. and I hope now things will ease .. we've enough bullies in the world ...

I just wish people would stop and think and then check out the other side of the 'coin' ... look at things from the other side ... think about others and how they're feeling and what they need ..

Talk to ya soon .. cheers Hils xoxo